Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
