I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
