you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
