Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
