YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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