I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
