I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Fuck appropriateness.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
