I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
