Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize