I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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