Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
