I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
