Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
