listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
