i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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