highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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