i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
