I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
