Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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