Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
