and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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