Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
