you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
