I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
