im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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