It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
