I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
