i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
