I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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