You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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