My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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