No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can I color on your dick again?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
