i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize