I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
