I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Found your dick twin last night
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
