Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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