I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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