why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
