cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
