I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
