Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
