i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
