take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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