I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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