i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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