We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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