I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
