I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
