Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I deserve this hangover.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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