Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
