I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
