Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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