I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
