Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
