dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
