it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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