Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
