I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
