i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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