I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My vagina is officially offended.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I supernannyed him into submission
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
